Adventures of a Dancing Kumquat

Definitely Not Compensating

2006-11-21T12:44:00.000-08:00

A guy.

A guy driving a big Mercedes.

A guy driving a big Mercedes with a license plate that reads: "6FOOT6"

(The kumquat is not making this up. She wouldn't. She'd think the joke was too obvious...)

Oh Meeeester Jicama!

2006-08-31T02:06:00.000-07:00

Why is it that blogger's spell check doesn't recognize "blog" as a viable word?

Umm...

2006-08-31T01:49:00.000-07:00

The kumquat has (sadly) been neglecting her blog of late. She has also been neglecting statcounter, because, apparently, if she isn't paying attention to her blog, then other people aren't either. (see: the kumquat's perception of her own height*)

So, uh, she just checked statcounter and peered at the "recent keyword activity" section. (By far the most entertaining part.) Someone found her blog via a search for "boobs trying on bras." Now, the kumquat apologizes to this searcher, because she supposes that this faceless person in internetland was looking for naughty pitchers, and she is not in the habit of supplying such things. Unless, of course, one is turned on by her small lemon. Hubba hubba.

(Although she is really rather amused at the fact that this faceless one ended up here. Almost as amused as she was to see her blog linked on a "swinging" site-- and definitely not the kind of swinging she indulges in...)

However, the thing that really gets her is this: Why did the searcher feel the need to specify the body part that was trying on the bras? How many other body parts regularly count bras as part of their apparel?

Actually, maybe the kumquat doesn't really want an answer to that one.

*A while back, the kumquat realized that in her own mind, her height is constant. So, even though she wears shoes ranging from flat to shoes that add six inches to her height, her initial response to her friends is 'Wow, you've gotten shorter/taller!" Has the kumquat mentioned that she's a tad bit odd?

Do-It-Yourself Kumquat

2006-08-31T01:13:00.000-07:00

The kumquat has been into domestic-y things lately. Which is both good and disturbing-- a description that works so well for many aspects of kumquatness...

For a very long time she has been determined to caulk her windows. This would decrease heat loss in winter, prevent cold air loss in summer, facilitate the understanding of the nature of dark matter and win the Kentucky Derby. (Mmm. Mint juleps.)

Yes, caulk would be a good thing. (Readers may now insert their own jokes here.)

Therefore, the kumquat has determined that she shall start with four harmless little windows in her den-like area. These are fully accessible without a ladder. (Most of her windows are rather tall. Just like she likes her men... Mmm. Men.) This plan has not yet been carried out, but she feels that it is nice to have a victim, err, goal picked out.

She then decided to brush up on her caulking skills online. It's been a while since she handled caulk, she felt she could use a reminder. Maybe some illustrations. Just for educational purposes, of course. Or maybe for the articles...

The thing is, the sites she finds (of course the problem may be be that it's the kumquat looking at these sites...) do nothing to staunch the flow of bad jokes running through her gutter-inhabiting little mind.

Some examples for the kumquat's dear (and dirty-minded) readers:

"remember to pull, don't push, the caulk"

"moving smoothly as you complete one stroke of the trigger and begin the next stroke"

"a few inches or feet of caulk" ["Feet"?!? Ai yi yi...]

"relieve the pressure inside the tube by releasing the trigger and pulling back on the rod to stop the flow of caulk"

"and further force the thick caulk into enough intimate surface contact to establish good adhesion" ["Adhesion"? Ouchie.]

"Tooling can be done with a finger - covered with a latex glove, wetted with some water or solvent or just bare, depending on the caulk used"

"Keep rags handy to clean up any mishaps, and clean up any problem areas right away since it is much more difficult to clean up dried caulk later"

You see, the kumquat looks on this blog as a service to her communtiy, a source of edification.

Because, really, doesn't everyone need to know how to properly handle caulk?

"In a land called Honah Leeeeeeeeeeeeee"

2006-08-30T15:07:00.000-07:00

The kumquat really, truly, sincerely pledges to post more frequently and obey the Scout Law, help other people at all times, keep herself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight...

Errr, well, at least some of those.

BUT:
Why, oh why, is the song "Puff the Magic Dragon" stuck in her head?!?!?!?

Grrrr.

(The lime claims that singing "Amazing Grace" to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song will obliterate any song stuck in one's head. In this case, the kumquat fears that the cure may be worse than the disease.)

Kumquatus Domesticus

2006-06-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

Last week the kumquat was sick. She has gotten mostly better, yet is, annoyingly, still very tired. In an effort to make her puny-ness go away, she has not been going out (in hopes of sleeping early.)

This effort towards somnolence has resulted in a strange domesticity. She has cleaned instead of messing. She has gardened instead of ignoring. She has cooked instead of taking-out. She has baked a cake instead of, well, not baking one. She was just outside talking to the neighbors instead of grumbling at them from the comfort of her bed when they have the gall to make noise as early as noon on the weekends.

It's very strange.

The kumquat thinks that someone needs to stop her before she organizes a block party.

Quiz Time!

2006-06-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

So, do the kumquat's readers know what's almost as cute as the lemon in her last post?

Answer: That her last post (lemon!) was the kumquat's 66th post. On 6/6/06.

All together now-- awwww!

The kumquat's PG&E bill was also due today. Somehow the loquat thought that was significant, too. (The kumquat just found it amusing that elections were today... appropriate, somehow....)

Lemon Spawn!

2006-06-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

my lemon
Originally uploaded by swingingkumquat.

No, the kumquat has not added another fruit alias-- she has added a fruit!

Her very own scrawny lemon-tree-that-never-gets-enough-water has reproduced! (The kumquat supposes that she must grudgingly admit that all of the mean precipitation was good for something...)

Its progeny has been captured by the wonder of technology that is the kumquat's camera phone.

Isn't it cute?!?!?

Drum Roll Please...

2006-05-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

avocadaloupe
Originally uploaded by swingingkumquat.

The kumquat is proud to present the newest fruit in her produce pantheon.

In the deep dark years prior to, well, now, the kumquat insisted that all of her friends' produce aliases be real members of the produce world.

And then... she was faced with the avocadaloupe. A masterpiece that is equally magnificient and disturbing.

She could no longer deny the exsistence of the avocadoloupe-- nor could she deny sharing it with all two of you who still haven't given up on her after a month's absence.

Behold! THE AVOCADALOUPE!

Semi-Political Kumquat

2006-04-05T00:09:00.000-07:00

*Disclaimer: This post is probably the closest the kumquat will ever get to discussing current events. However, she urges her readers not to worry too much. They will not be subject to any pesky moral or political argumets or anything else of such an unseemly nature. The kumquat is, after all, a proper lady. The kumquat begs her readers to please stop that uproarious laughter. She has no idea what's so funny...

The kumquat listens to NPR. She blames this on the lime. And also, of course, on daylight savings time (see previous post.)

This evening, the voices on NPR (Or were they in her head? She's never sure about these things...) were discusing a claim by Amnesty International about some secret U.S. prisons that they believe exsist outside of the United States.

The location of these alleged prisons leads the kumquat to one obvious conclusion.

Amnesty International is run by a clutch of high schoolers. High schoolers who are probably in Model United Nations (MUN).

Because, these prisons are supposed to be in Djibouti.

And nothing is funnier to high school MUN geeks than "Djibouti." (It's even more entertaining if your group also has Greece as a country... Not like the kumquat speaks from experience or anything. Nope, definitely not.)

So, the kumquat pictures members of Amnesty International sitting around, discussing great moral and political and human rights problems. (These things are all very admirable and the kumquat is sure that Amnesty International's members are lovely people and she would enjoy taking afternoon tea with them.)

Suddenly, someone brings up the question of U.S. secret prisons.

One of them asks: "Where do you think the U.S. is hiding all of these prisoners?"

Answer: "In Djibouti!"*

The kumquat rests her case.

*For those of you without a high schooler's sense of humor: "Djibouti"="Ja bootie"="Your booty." (Of course, if her readers didn't get that, the kumquat suggests that they should blame daylight savings time.)

Spring Forward, Fall Kumquat

2006-04-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

The kumquat has been a little spacier than usual for the past couple of days. She has decided that this is because of the time change. Obviously, it is confusing her.

It's really an all encompassing thing, so if she can't speak properly, naturally, it's the time change. You see, it disturbs her equilibrium.

She figures she can blame the time change for a good week or so-- maybe even two.

Now she just has to figure out what to blame once this excuse, ahem, valid reason is no longer plausible...

Clan of the Kumquat

2006-04-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

The kumquat just returned from a foraging jaunt to "Partial Produce." While she was there, she noticed little containers of her brethren attractively stacked next to the strawberries and kiwi berries. (The kumquat had never seen these things before, but they're so cute! They look just like bitty bald kiwis-- which, uh, the kumquat supposes they are, so, umm, nevermind.)

The kumquat is always tempted by her botanical brethren. The ones from stores never seem to reach the lovely sweet/sour pinnacles acheived by their less domesticated cousins. But every year, the kumquat has to take a container home. She thinks maybe she's an optimist. Or delusional. Such a fine line, really...

Today was the day that was apparently chosen by the kumquat gods as the day for this annual ritual. Maybe the kumquat succumbed because they looked like they needed a home. Maybe it was because they looked so pretty, those little glowy orange ovoids. But it was probably just because they were on sale.

When the kumquat got them home, she noticed they had a lable on their little plastic transport container proclaiming them to be "Fancy Kumquats." The kumquat is not sure what she would require of her kind in order to call them fancy, but these kumquats did not seem to posess any stellar qualities. Just the normal amounts of cuteness, orangeness, and ovoidness.

"Fancy" denotes to the kumquat something unusual and noticable. Now, if the kumquats had been painted with designs or embellished with rhinestones or dressed in little kumquat-sized evening-wear complete with top hats and canes for some and pearls and stoles for the others, then the kumquat would have no trouble agreeing with their classification as "fancy." She even would have bought them at full price.

Because, really, who wouldn't buy a kumquat in a top hat?

Soggy Kumquat

2006-04-03T00:13:00.000-07:00

So, what happens when the kumquat gets wet?

(No. Not that. Perverts.)

SHE WANTS THE SUN TO COME OUT!
It's #%$*ing SPRING, dammit.

Grumble.

Chocolate Oocytes...

2006-03-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

...with pretty foil wrappers...

...make the kumquat very happy.

(The kumquat realizes that it really should be "chocolate ova," but she likes the word "oocyte." And this is her blog.)

Bienvenue a Kumquatland!

2006-03-07T00:20:00.000-08:00

Monsieur le Jicama!

A Hobo's Glockenspiel*

2006-03-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

The kumquat is nothing if not confusing. Well, confusing, perverted, sleep-deprived and a bit of a one-off.

She has deleted her never-actually-started blog about the varying characters she encountered at the Museum of Produce Provenance. Yet, she has not deleted the entry in this blog which refers (and links) to it.

*The title of this post is taken from the quotation: "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines." (R. W. Emerson) The kumquat trusts that her readers can see the obvious correlation between hobgoblins and hobo's glockenspiels. Really, the kumquat fears she may have insulted her readers' intelligence (hmm... do all her readers share one intelligence?) by even deigning to explain the connection. She apologizes.

R. I. P.

2006-02-21T22:31:00.000-08:00

The kumquat has recently quit her job at the Museum of Produce Provenance and is looking for a new vocation (a.k.a. "A way to finance her dance and coffee habits").

Because of this new lack of idle computer time on Saturdays and Sundays, she's not sure how often she shall be positng for a while (the kumquat will now wait while you either whoop with glee or sob uncontrollably).

Of course, she was never quite sure how often she would be posting before, so she supposes everything is pretty much the same as always.

On another note, the kumquat now has a washing machine and dryer in her house, courtesy of the tangel(l)o's Emporium o' Electrical Things.

Now if any more cute boy produce offer her sexual favors in return for doing their laundry, she's ready.

A Very Trying Problem

2006-01-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

The kumquat is vexed.

Lacy bras are so very pretty. But she doesn't tend to wear the kind of shirts under which lacy bras reside happily.

So she had to either forgo lacy, pretty bras.

Or wear different tops.

Or wander about with lumpy boobs.

Grumble.

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

2006-01-22T14:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the kumquat went to indulge her coffee-sluttiness at her favorite caffeine provider, uh, "Beet's" Coffee. While she was waiting for the coffee boy (not an very good representative of the species, it must be said) to make her drink she was people watching (defined as staring into space until something vaguely interesting enters her field of vision).

There was a couple standing in line who caught her interest-- mostly because the girl half of the couple had on a kind of cute outfit. Next she noticed that the male half of the couple was very, uh, tactile with the girl half. And that the girl half kind of look like she was kind of tempted to run away, but was too bored to really make the effort.

Now the girl was quite nice looking. At least, she was pretty and had a cute outfit-- the kumquat is sometimes rather baffled by the straight male's opinion of what makes a girl attractive. But this girl was nice looking-- and young, probably mid-20s to early 30s.

As her readers might be guessing by now, the male half was decidedly not young. To be fair (which is really no fun at all), the male half was well-kept. He had nice-ish clothes and wasn't sloppy or scruffy.

Now the kumquat has always hated the concept of being "in" or "out" of someone's "league." (The kumquat gets very cranky when someone tried to define themselves or others so narrowly. This phrase is just one example, but she shall now take the one foot off of her soapbox and continue with her inconsequential fluffiness.) Therefore, this rant is not about the incompatibility of a couple based on looks or age.

The incompatibility that the kumquat wants to rant about is the one of interest. The woman looked decidedly bored, and the man acted as if he would shrivel up like a salted snail if he weren't actively pawing her. If they were both pawing each other, it would be annoying because the kumquat doesn't exactly want her latte to come with a side of soft-core porn. But at least they'd both be into it.

As it was, it seemed as if the man wanted to show how great he was because this girl who was way cuter than him allowed him to touch her in public. Except, instead of the guy appearing studly (which is, the kumquat is sure, how he envisions others perceiving him), he just seemed dense (while she may, for some unfathomable reason, like you, she's not comfortable with coffee and groping) and pathetic (exactly how much are you paying her?)

The kumquat could be wrong, she just figures that this wasn't the impression he was going for...

Flurry of Activity

2006-01-21T12:41:00.000-08:00

The kumquat decided to start a new blog dedicated to the "different" and "interesting" characters she has encountered and continues to encounter in her Museum.

Of course it doesn't actually have any entries yet.

You don't want the kumquat to overexert herself, do you?

Ambivalent

2006-01-21T11:46:00.000-08:00

The kumquat is undecided.

Should she blog about why she hasn't blogged for a while?

Should she blog about her spectacular loss in another skirmish with gravity which resulted in four of the five digits on her left hand being encased in band-aids and a lovely stripe of a bruise across her low back?

She she finally start to blog about the different characters whom she encounters in the Museum of Produce Provenance?

Should she blog about purple and chartreuse unicorns cavorting in a field of chocolate flowers?

Should she blog about the weather?

Please voice (type) an opinion, dear readers. The kumquat is befuddled. And lazy.

Owww!!!

2005-12-31T12:26:00.000-08:00

The kumquat was going upstairs this morning and her shoes sabotaged her and tripped her. She fell forward and in catching herself managed to jam her finger into what must have been a carpet tack, because she emerged from this carpet-and-shoe-induced skirmish with gravity bearing a puntured finger tip.

And it HURTS! And the kumquat keeps hitting the jammed-and-puntured finger while she goes about her daily life. Which makes it hurt MORE. (Or at least brings the kumquat's attention to the hurt in a very dramatic way.)

Apparently the kumquat uses her middle finger much more than she realized

Splish Splash

2005-12-17T14:17:00.000-08:00

This morning, the kumquat put on shoes that are afraid of rain, not realizing that rain was lurking overheard.

Once at work, she changed into flip-flops, because they were there and because they were rain-proof. And because it's easier to run around in flip-flops than in heels. The kumquat shall wear heels later when she frolics with the loquat and the tangello.

At lunchtime, the kumquat went to go get lunch. And coffee. Mmm... coffee.

Food and coffee reside approximately 3 blocks away.

The kumquat walked. And while it was not actively raining, the ground was wet.

And the flip-flops flung dirt, water and leaves upwards onto the kumquat's bare lower legs (and a little bit on the hem of her skirt).

The kumquat is obviously not adequately dressed for this weather.

She needs mudflaps.

Preferably with silhouettes of nekkid men.

Shriveled Kumquat

2005-12-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

The kumquat asks her readers to pause a moment to commemorate the anniversary of her day of spawning (which was last week).

And now that she has your attention, please take some of the leftover food from her party. The kumquat doesn't need that many baked goods.

Always Prepared

2005-11-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

The kumquat asks her readers to pause a moment and ponder this serious question: Have you ever, in your daily ramblings, found yourself in a situation where you really need to scrape batter off the sides of a bowl, but had no rubber spatula in your possession?

If you've never considered such an event, the kumquat thinks that you've been neglecting an impending crisis. These spatula-requiring situations may not be common, but the kumquat fears the dire consequences that might arrive if everyone keeps adopting such a cavalier attitude towards spatula-carrying.

These consequences, however, will not befall the woman the kumquat saw when she was indulging in her regularly-scheduled afternoon coffee-sluttiness. This vaguely-granola, but other-than-that-rather-normal-looking woman had a rubber spatula sticking out of her pocket.

The kumquat urges her readers to follow in the footsteps of such an obvious visionary. The kumquat can envision a whole line of personal spatula products. Keychain-mounted spatulas in designer colors! Foldable spatulas to store in your wallet! Spatula necklaces, bracelets and belts for the really avant garde.

The possibilities really are endless.

Don't worry, it happens to all bananas sometimes. Really.

2005-11-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

After writing the last post, the kumquat went to examine the other results from her Google search of "banana."

And she found this.

While she much prefers the design of the Banana BunkerTM, this device has an interesting feature. It has some small holes for ventilation.

These are touted as a means of "preventing premature ripening."

When you take out your banana, be sure to use protection...

2005-11-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

First of all, the kumquat must state that this post is only tangentally (and not Jello Tangent-ally) related to The banana. She was searching for a site to represent The banana for her sidebar (there are links for all of her produce friends that are mentioned in this blog).

The banana definitely had the most interesting options for sites. While she opted for this site to represent him, the kumquat couldn't resist sharing another site she discovered.

This one.

The kumquat isn't sure whether this is more or less disturbing than the implement discovered by the tange(l)lo. On the one hand, the pizzacutterfork may be most disturbing because its exsistence suggest an astounding amount of laziness present in its inventor. But, as the loquat never ceases to remind the kumquat, laziness is a virtue.

The more she thinks about it, the more the kumquat thinks the Banana BunkerTM is the more disturbing of the two.

The kumquat implores her readers to consider it. A banana (not The banana, she emphasizes) is rather phallic shaped to begin with-- many things are, so that's not really that suggestive. (Pun not intended, but left in begin because it's rather apropos.) However, when a device designed to "protect" it is very suggestive of, uh, certain other "protective devices", the kumquat begins to wonder.

Specifically, she begins to wonder why a designer who has supposedly worked for Chanel, Louis Vuitton and Gucci decides to go in for designing banana condoms.

fdiglskkh

2005-11-20T12:14:00.000-08:00

The kumquat finally ambled over the the "settings" section of blogger to turn the word verification "on" for comments. Hopefully this will cause the comment spammers to be thwarted. If any of her readers miss the lovely links for credit reports, pictures of Georgia highway construction and female incontinence accupressure, please let the kumquat know.

Cheek to Cheek

2005-11-12T15:45:00.000-08:00

The kumquat is finally writing a dancing-themed entry for her dancing themed blog!

Don't worry, she has smelling salts ready for all of her swooning readers.

The kumquat has a dance friend (the kumquat shall christen him the leek) who is fun, cute and odd. (He offered her the use of his body in exchange for doing his laundry, but that's another incident entirely. Although, if any of her readers are fretting over the kumquat's virtue and whether she took this rap-scallion up on his offer, the kumquat will thank you politely for your concern and smile mysteriously.)

The other night at a local produce dance event, the kumquat and the leek were dancing. As she mentioned earlier, the leek is odd. He is quite a good dancer, although he is not, shall we say, "conventional." At one point in the song, he turned around, and led the kumquat to turn too, so that they were derriere-a-derriere (as opposed to tete-a-tete).

Normally, of course, one would connect to one's partner with whatever body parts were touching and the follow would react to the leader's cues. However, since the leek was being silly, so was the kumquat. She was moving as she felt like, preparing for a break in the music where she could bump the leek. She was not being all that receptive to the movements of the leek's rear.

The leek realized this and admonished her with these scathing words:

"You're not following my ass!"

One-Legged Hopping Kumquat

2005-11-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

The kumquat's knee is gimpy. And hurty. And the kumquat is rather cranky about this since it's gimpyhurtyness was responsible for lack of dancing last night. She went and played games with the apricot and The banana and drank peppermint hot chocolate from the EvilEmpire and generally had a lovely time.

But she does not like it when malfunctioning body parts dictate her activites.

Hmmph.

(She would, however, like to thank Sir Jello of Tangent for title inspiration. The kumquat likes the imagery. Yes, the kumquat is odd. And if her readers are just now figuring that out, she believes that it is their problem, not hers.)

Idiot

2005-11-06T14:26:00.000-08:00

The kumquat realizes that, even though her blog title references dancing, she rarely, if ever, pontificates on dancing in her posts. And today will not be an exception.

The kumquat will vent her spleen about various idiots she's encountered in the past few days. (She wonders why spleen, like wet paint, always seems to require ventilation. Why does her pancreas not also require adequate air flow? The kumquat's life is plagued with such mysteries.)

Produce who were raised in a barn
It's cold. There's a door. It is closed when you approach it from the COLD outside. It is warmer on the inside of the door. The kumquat is a fruit that doesn't like antarctic climes. CLOSE THE @#($(#&%$#(#$ DOOR!!!
Ahem.
Um, so the kumquat does not appreciate people who enter her museum and don't close the door behind them.

Produce with no patience and no logic
There is traffic. Lots of it. The car next to the kumquat is going about 35mph. The kumquat is going 32mph, and is approaching a red light. Running up so that you are almost in the kumquat's trunk, swerving angrily around her and then running up until you are almost in the tunk of the car ahead of you is going to get you at most one car length ahead...
The kumquat is in awe of your, um, "intelligence."

Old men who think they know what they're doing and won't get the #(@#$& out of the way when they're screwing up machinery that doesn't belong to them because apparently there's no way in hell that a young female kumquat knows how to work anything mechanical even though she fixes these things on an almost daily basis
Uh, pardon the kumquat.
She believes this one is rather self explanatory.

*Sigh*

The kumquat thinks she shall cease with the venting for a while. She's getting all worked up. And not in the good way.

Kolrabe Kwestions

2005-10-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

The other "Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" version of the kumquatblog was submitted by the Kolrabe. So without much ado about anything, here goes:

(Actually, a there will be a little more ado, if the kumquat's beneficent readers will permit-- the kumquat will attempt to answer the questions in a mostly unbratty way, but she gives no guarantee that this will last even through the first question.)
(Oh. One more ado. The questions are in purple. And are followed by question marks. Fancy that.)

Do vegans count sheep... or tofu blocks?

As far as the kumquat knows, insomniatic produce count sheep in order to effect sleepiness, not in order to eat them. Therefore, as long as vegans believe in the existence of sheep, she sees no reason why they can't use them to induce somnolence. If, however, the convention was to count chickens, the kumquat fears that the tangello would have to rely on something else since he doesn't believe in chickens. The kumquat thinks he has some issues with tofu as well.

Why do so many people get puke-drunk repeatedly? Did they kill the brain cells that regulate sensible behavior?

While the kumquat does not claim to be a paragon of sensible behavior, she will be sensible enough to not even try to explain this one.

Why do lots of women go ga ga over hot cars?

Mmm... gorgeous cars! *drool* *sigh* *lust*
Pardon the kumquat.
What was the question?

What's the worst fashion mistake you've ever seen?

Does the kolrabe mean someone other than Backwards Man?

Why is "top 40 music" so damn awful?

Because most people are non-believers' tofu blocks.

If you could spend a day with any talking animal, where would you meet?

Oh, probably at a coffee shop. The kumquat is a coffee slut.

What's the worst musical of all time?

Does the kumquat have to pick just one Sondheim show?

Can studly guys still wear pink?

If one of his stable's colors is pink and he's racing that day, the kumquat thinks he should.

What's with your fascinaton with fruits?

A treatise on the origin of produce will be covered in a future entry. The kumquat is doing this not really because of any sense of drama, but because it is almost time for her to leave work.....

Holy Mackerel

2005-10-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

The kumquat's laziness actually paid off!

So far the tangel(l)o and the kolrabe have contributed suggestions. Ah, the kumquat appreciates not having to actually be creative and, like, think. Perish the thought. (Look! Look! The kumquat made a pun wasn't that just so, umm... Nevermind)

The kumquat simply must start with the tangel(l)o's suggestion, since it was, by far, the most disturbing. The kumquat expects nothing less from the jello tangent.

However, having brought the blogversation around to this, um, implement, the kumquat isn't quite sure what to say about it. (Although when she types "about it" the kumquat often misplaces the space and has to correct herself so she doesn't write "abou tit"-- she wonders if that's some sort of medical condition. "Miss Smith, the signs you have been noticing lately are definitely symptoms of abou tit.")

Uh, yeah. Back to the pizzacutterfork. It's scary. Oh, the kumquat tells a lie. Apparently, it's not just for pizza-- it can be used for waffles and pancakes too. Oh! The possibilities. Pardon the kumquat, she feels a swoon coming on.

Actually, this reminds the kumquat of some of the highly specific doohickies that Victorian-types invented: "Everywhere in the West specialized utensils proliferate, more in response to the Victorian fondness for bric-a-brac than to any real need. Tomato servers, sardine forks, jelly knives, and cheese scoops are among the many elaborations on the theme." (from this site)

The only, piddling difference is that the Victoriania stuff is made for formal dinners, not for food that arrives in a cardboard box. And the Victorian stuff tends to be pretty. Or at least prettier than this.

The piece-de-resistance of this implement is that it is touted as a "time saver." A time saver.

The kumquat finds this utterly believable because, after all, she has often been eating pizza that is too hot or soggy to actually pick up and thought that it was just lovely, but what would really make it perfect is if she didn't have to waste so much time using that damned knife and fork.

Really, she could be using that precious time to watch NASCAR. And burp the alphabet.

Nuttin' Honey

2005-10-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

The kumquat feels very boring.

She's done some spiffy-ish things lately, but none of them seem to be good fodder for irreverent blogging. Hmmph.

So, because she is lazy, she offers to blog about topics suggested by her readers. All three of you.

Ready...

Set...

GO!

Or something.

Here a Llama, There a Llama

2005-10-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

Everywhere a llama llama.

Well, the kumquat doesn't know about everywhere, but there are llamas on her sidebar now. She recommends the llamas as a way to entertain oneself, annoy others (if played loudly) and relieve the stress that is incurred by having to deal with idiots.

Kiwi (loose)

2005-09-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

The kumquat is really not sure what to think. (Of course, she realizes that the loquat's advice would be "Don't.")

It seems that Whole Foods has taken to passing judgment on her friend's moral character. How else can one explain the sign the kumquat saw in their produce department proclaiming "Kiwi (loose)"? The kumquat does not take kindly to having her friend's morality bandied about in the produce section of a major food retailer.

Of course, it could just be that those kiwi were loose, and it is not intended as a slight to the kiwi. This of course begs the question of why Whole Foods is willing to act as a produce pimp, accepting payment in exchange for allowing their customers a few hours lascivious pleasure with morally questionable fruit. The kumquat shudders to think what the other produce are up to...

Blame Harry

2005-09-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

The kumquat's two weekend absence from Bloggyland is due to Ms. Rowling's Mr. Potter. After one and one half weeks (which spanned the two blogless weekends) and six books, the kumquat is back.

Blame or congratulate Ms. Rowling as you will.

Kumquat Infiltration*

2005-09-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

The kumquat takes advantage of those "First Three Issues FREE!" offers from trashy magazines. It actually works out nicely, she gets her trashy magazine fix without actually having to spend more than the cost of a stamp to send in the cancellation doohickey at the end of the three months.

The above strategy is responsible for this current tidbit. The kumquat is in the process of receiving some issues of Elle magazine. Elle magazine has an advice column. The columnist tends to address her advice-seekers with cutsey terms. This month, she referred to someone as "[Advice-seeker], my kumquat."

The kumquat is now not only a citrus who dances. She is a term of endearment.

*The original title that was considered for this post was a variation of "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers": "The Invasion of the Kumquat Snatchers." However, upon consideration, that seemed a little too suggestive, even for the kumquat.

There Was a Kumquat from Nantucket...

2005-08-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

The kumquat has discovered this site and she is really rather taken with it. So much so, in fact, that she has added it to her "Links" (aka "Time Wasters") area on her blog's sidebar.

The kiwi has even submitted some entries!

While she is on the subject, the kumquat would also like to share this very cute limerick from Mark Twain. It isn't even dirty! Well, it is "dirty", it just isn't ribald.

A man hired by John Smith and Co.
Loudly declared that he’d tho.
Men that he saw
Dumping dirt near his door
The drivers, therefore, didn’t do.

*If her readers are having issues with it, pronounce the abbreviations as if they were full words, following the same rules as for the first abbreviation.

Name-Dropping

2005-08-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

The pomegranate has added a link to the kumquat's blog on her blog! Yay! Thank you to the pomegranate!

The kiwi has a very cute new resident at her house (which of course adds to the total cuteness of the house which contains the fluff monster, the queen, and the kiwi). And she is very literary, as mentioned or alluded to in previous posts. The kiwi, not the resident.

The apricot bought the kumquat coffee the other night and the kumquat appreciates this. Caffeine is definitely a way to the kumquat's heart.

The banana is... The banana. He bought a science fiction book and tried to explain how a series of lots of books wasn't actually a series but a group of trilogies and quartets. The kumquat isn't sure she believed him.

The lime went with the kumquat to see The Aristocrats last night.

The as-yet-unnamed produce from NYC is coming to visit next week.

And... the kumquat will soon be on her way to meet and frolic with the loquat and the tangello and the tangello's mother's new fluffball with teeth.

Blogger culpa

2005-08-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

The kumquat apologizes for the odd asterisks on the previous post. But it's not her fault-- really! She had to put them there to trick Blogger into actually leaving space between the sections. Blogger's space recognition capabilities are sucking like the produce known as Ed.

Poem-try

2005-08-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

The kumquat seems to be on a literary binge lately. While out with the apricot and The banana (capitalization by request of The banana), she bought two books of poetry (or poem-try{pronounced "po-em-tree"}, as she occasionally calls it when the mood strikes her). She bought a book of T. S. Eliot and of William Carlos Williams. This is not of any particular significance, she just thought she'd share.

Today, the kumquat has a treat in store for her dear readers.
Today, her readers will experience some of the greatest artistic works known to produce.
Today, she shall present the magnetic poetry of the kiwi.

This one is definitely a kiwi composition (note the Edward Lear influence):

[a][lust][y][fiddle]

[and][a][frantic][peach]

[lather][ed][friend][s][were][they]

[in][a][mother][ship]

[by][the][water][y][sea]

[in][a][petal][bed][did][I][a][y]

[boil][me][the][place]

[and][chant][in][the][rose]

[worship][ful][ly][blow][it][away]

*****

This next selection may or may not be a kiwi composition (does the kiwi remember?):

*****

[diamond][sweat]

[a][thousand][delirious][urge][s]

[put][you][er][head][on][my][breast]

[ache][mad][ly][after][fluff]

[a][purple][forest][woman]

[languid][ly][dress]

[incubate][ing][a][dream]

*****

And finally, a couple of unknown or undisclosed origin:

*****

[to][eat][you]

[felt][as][from][raw]

[always][produce][apparatus]

[think][an][moan]

*****

[drunk][from][spring][garden][moment]

[wanting][my][bare][honey][gown]

[I][stare][at][luscious][man][vision]

[sordid][sweet][shadow][of][him]

[screaming][red][picture]

[of][bitter][repulsive][crush][on][the][boy]

*****

Today's literary interlude brought to you by the kiwi, the kumquat and the letter "Q."

The Kumquat Gets Literary

2005-08-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

Some lovely Shakespearean insults, courtesy of the kiwi:

"Thou idol of idiot-worshippers!"

"He has not so much brain as earwax"*

*Response to this from the newly-christened loquat: "That could work for so many men"

Change of Circumstance

2005-08-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

Henceforth, the produce formerly known as tangerine will go by a new name.

Loquat.

The Kumquat Has Arrived

2005-08-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

She is now getting spam comments on her blog.

*Sniffle*

Please pardon the kumquat. This is such a big moment for her. She's getting a little teary-eyed.

Ummm.....

2005-08-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

The kumquat was at work the other day when the phone rang. As is her wont, she answered it. (The kumquat will now pause to consider what exactly a "wont" is... Apparently she has one, though.)

In her normal kumquat (well, as normal as the kumquat can ever get) manner she trilled, "Museum of Produce Provenance, this is Miss Kumquat." To which the caller responded "Uh, may I speak to Miss Kumquat?"

Is it so wrong that the kumquat wanted to say "No!" and hang up?

The Kumquat Took Manhattan

2005-08-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, she did.

With the help of the tangello.

But she's not going to write about it yet.

Yes, the kumquat is a tease. Or a procrastinator. Take your pick.

Critters!

2005-08-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

The tangello seems to be guilting the kumquat into posting more regularly. Well, maybe "inspiring" more than "guilting." Maybe.

The kumquat has taken on a few house-sitting clients in order to get her critter fix and to earn a little extra money to support her dancing and coffee habits. It's rather a nice thing: it reminds her that even though she adores critters, she really don't have time to actually have one of her own; it lets her play with and cuddle critters whose food she does not have to buy and whose vet bills she does not have to pay; it is really pretty easy, as second jobs go-- rather a nice way to earn a little extra money.

Okay, the kumquat kind of forgot where she was going with this. She was intending to tell all about the critters and give them random aliases. But now she has commenced to bore herself. It is not that the critters are boring, it is more that she sat for them last night and is too tired to pretend to be clever.

Ooh-- here's a tired kumquat story that most of her four readers have already heard. (Lookit that! The kumquat's readership has increased!) The other night (Thursday) the kumquat (Miss Kumquat) was going to go dancing (in the City), but she (who is fond of parenthetical expressions) decided she was too tired. She got home about 9:30ish and decided to get a snack before she went to bed. The kumquat found some cherry tomatoes in the refrigerator and decided to have some of those and a glass of milk. Yummy. She washed the tomatoes and put them in a bowl. Then she got a glass and put it on the counter next to the bowl of tomatoes. Then she got the milk out of the refrigerator. Then she poured some milk... in the bowl of tomatoes. Then she decided it was a good thing that she didn't go to the City.

Sacrilege?

2005-07-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

As she sat in the Catholic church last weekend, watching her friend get married, the kumquat wondered, 'Is it sacrilegious to have a devil duck on one's phone when one is in a Catholic church?' One friend that she questioned on this issue said that it wasn't blasphemy, that by having a representation of the devil (even if it is in the form of a small, hollow purple duck) gives the Church a reason to exist. Another friend just laughed at her.

And on another note (pun honestly truly faithfully not intended): never had the Altar Boyz soundtrack been such appropriate driving music. (Okay, okay. The kumquat has only had the Altar Boyz soundtrack a few weeks, but this was definitely the most appropriate usage of it in those two weeks.)

The Kumquat Is Soooo Offended...

2005-07-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

The kumquat was rambling around one of her favorite useful websites, the Internet Movie Database, the other day. She was looking up the running-time of a certain movie, then proceeded to get distracted by random cast details, quotes, goofs and "movie connections." (Arguably the most useless, least entertaining category-- and it could be so good; But no! It's just a laundry list of other movies that are "connected" to the main movie, but it doesn't tell you why! Bastards.) Ahem.. the kumquat apologizes for this itsy-bitsy tangent.

Among the random IMDB entertainment are message boards for movies. This one listed a topic that seemed interesting in the that-person-who-wrote-that-sounds-like-an-idiot-so-I'll-read-the-post-and-reassure-myself-that-he-or-she-really-is-dumber-than-toast kind of way. This phenomenon is somewhere along the lines of the "Eww, this is awful. Taste it! It's horrible, isn't it?" kind of thing, but without the community involvement.

So the kumquat went to read that thread on the message board. But she was required to register with IMDB. Now, normally the kumquat doesn't mind registering. She uses e-mail addresses that she barely ever checks and probably can't remember the passwords to anyway and puts false or barley true information down for other requested data. But, for some reason, the kumquat didn't want to register this time. Part of the citrus-y rebellion was spurred by the fact that the request to register was couched in language that made it seem like it was an optional thing-- but there was no conceivable way to get to the message boards without it.

The kumquat was peeved, but she wanted to see this message board post so that she could get angry at it. She finally succumbed and started to register: random e-mail address, first initial, last initial-- then she comes to "year of birth." And it was a required field. The kumquat gamely entered the year of her birth, which is, of course, 1900. (The kumquat hasn't had her birthday yet this year, so she's still a sprightly 104.)

After all the fields were entered, she clicked the icon to enter her information. And got an error. IMDB claimed that she was too old to register! She is appalled by this evidence of internet age discrimination. She knows that women are generally supposed to lie about their ages, but this site required it! IMDB would not let her register until she claimed 1906 as her birth year.

Hmmph.

Tangerine, She Is All They Claim...

2005-07-03T14:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Day o'Spawing to the tangerine! Enjoy your day off from the preparation for the Bad Thing.

The kumquat isn't even sure if the tangerine still reads her blog. She fears the tangerine may have given up on her. Oh well.

The first posting today was in honor of the tangello, who for some reason remembered when she last updated her blog.

The kumquat also changed her blog template. She likes the green. Lots. She used it for the template for this blog, but, as she suspected, she didn't update that one much. So the kumquat decided to consolidate. Or at least enjoy the green in two places.

Unfortunately, the tangello is probably less than thrilled with this chartreuse-tinged development. Hopefully the he can bear this with fortitude because the kumquat would hate to lose one of her two readers.

Oooh. Random kumquat thought that will only make sense to two people (one of whom may not read this): Tangello Bordello!

The Car Talk Guys Are Perverts!

2005-07-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

The kumquat knew she liked them!

She was listening to Car Talk this morning on her five minute commute to work (yay for house-sitting!) and she heard them give advice to a girl that could be taken another, more interesting way. Apparently there are these things called 'bushings' and apparently hers needed lubrication. From a 'penetrating spray.'

If anyone has the, um, stupidity.. err, guts to try 'Hey baby-- I bet your bushings could use some lubrication from my penetrating spray' as a pick-up line, the kumquat will buy you chocolate. After you get out of the hospital.

No More Miss Nice Kumquat

2005-05-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

The kumquat is seriously considering becoming a full-time bitch.

But the bitches probably don't get lots of hugs.

And the kumquat likes hugs. And mangoes.

Except when the yummy samples at Whole Foods turn on you and dribble down your shirt.

The mangoes, not the hugs.

The kumquat doesn't recall hugs dribble-ing.

Grumble

2005-04-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

The kumquat was going to write in her blog yesterday, but she was foiled by blogger.com-- it wouldn't let her log on. She was annoyed.

Today, she got to log on. She was pleased. She could write in her blog!

But she forgot what she wanted to write about. Thus, the kumquat doth grumble.

Irony

2005-03-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

The kumquat is amused.

The other day, she saw a man wearing a "Live Strong" bracelet. This is not unusual. Those little rubber bracelets have proliferated like dissected planaria. For those of you who have managed to thusfar escape unscathed, I apologized for ruining the bliss that is ignorance. The bracelts in question are little yellow rubber things that encircle your wrist-- proceeds from them are supposed to benefit the Lance Armstrong Foundation which apparently fights cancer or supports cancer research or finds homes for abandoned pet rocks.

(Oooh-- randomness: The kumquat met a cute king snake yesterday at the Heritage Park opening ceremony. She was there with a person from the Palo Alto Open Space Thingy. The kumquat forgets the snake's name now-- something like Sherpa, but not Sherpa. Don't the kumquat's reader(s) love these little insights into the way her mind works...)

Okay. So back to the bracelt-wearing guy:
He was wearing a bracelet.
A Live Strong bracelt.
One whose proceeds go to help fight cancer.

Apparently he wanted to make sure the foundation would always have a mission.
Because he was smoking.

Animal Encounters

2005-02-19T12:05:00.000-08:00

As the kumquat was driving to work this morning she saw an "interesting" sight. She saw a man with a dog.

Normally, she would describe the activity as "a man walking a dog," but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. There was a dog, with a collar on; and there was a leash attached to the dog's collar; and the man was holding the other end of the leash. The dog was walking. The man was not.

The man was on a bicycle.

The kumquats readers may be wondering why she is making such a big deal of this. It is not that unusual of a sight, they may be thinking. There were, however, two main points that made this a little more... unique.

The dog was a Great Dane.

And it was wearing a red and yellow propeller beanie.

Fun Fact o'Yesterday

2005-02-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

The kumquat found out who the world's largest (by number produced) manufacturer of tires is.

LEGO.

As in the cute little blocks that make spiffy stuff and are impossible to get apart.

Today's public service announcement was brought to you courtesy of the kumquat's generous spirit.

Anniversary

2005-01-08T11:23:00.000-08:00

The kumquat has had her blog for almost a year. She will now pause as her reader's sigh dreamily and say "awww." She is sure that you are all as moved as she is.

Wednesday will also be her sixth anniversary with the Kumquatmobile. Her little baby is growing up! Soon it will be time to send it to kindergarten. The kumquat can see it now-- she'll walk it up to the school, holding its side view mirror. The Kumquatmobile will be a little nervous, but soon it'll meet a few of the other cars and go to play with them. The Kumquatmobile will then scamper off-- without a thought of the kumquat. The kumquat will watch her car go off without her, a little misty-eyed because it doesn't need her as much anymore, but happy that it has found some friends its own age...

Why yes, the kumquat is a tad sleep deprived. Why do you ask?

New Blog Alert!

2004-11-06T15:42:00.000-08:00

Visit the kumquat's new blog!

This one will still exist. (Please control your groans of disappointment or sighs of relief.)

The new blog will hopefully fill some of the voids in the kumquat's blogging life. Or just give her another forum on which to be lazy about posting.

Knowing the kumquat, probably the latter.

Entertainment by Spell Check

2004-11-06T15:02:00.000-08:00

The kumquat just spell-checked her last post. She used the word "jackrabbit." Actually, it may be two words in places other than Kumquatland. So she could understand if spell check suggested "jack rabbit" as an alternative. But it didn't. Apparently spell check was feeling a little, umm, rebellious.

The alternate it suggested?

"Scrubbed."

Riding in Cars with Kumquats

2004-11-06T13:34:00.000-08:00

First of all, the kumquat would like to apologize for referencing a Drew Barrymore movie with her post title. She just liked the title.

The kumquat is not that fond of people in general. She is very fond of certain specific people, but people considered in the generic sense don't really appeal to her. Actually, they tend to annoy her. Sometimes they interest her, in a fascinated but repulsed kind of way-- not really in the spectator-at-a-traffic-accident way, more in a reading-a-mainstream-women's-magazine-in-a-waiting-room way. More succinctly: people baffle the kumquat.

This phenomenon of bafflement becomes much more evident when the people place themselves behind the large, round, rotating object in a many-doored, combustion-driven contraption.

Sometimes, the kumquat is, frankly, freaked out by these maniacs, uhhh.... drivers. More often than not, she is just utterly confused. Her favorite expression when driving is "That's... 'creative.'" She has cause to use this expression much, much more than she would like.

This morning, for example, the kumquat was nearing work. She approached an intersection with a four-way stop, intending to turn left. Several moments later, another car approached the stop sign to her right. Both cars (the kumquat's and the late-comer) were intending to go the same direction. However, blocking their way were pedestrians-- one set already in the crosswalk and one set almost ready to leave the sanctuary of the sidewalk for the asphalt jungle of the street. The kumquat foolishly thought that she would wait for the pedestrians to cross, then she would turn, then the car who had arrived after her would go directionally forward and everything would be hunky-dory. Silly kumquat.

In case you are ever in a situation similar to the kumquat's, she will now instruct you on the proper procedure. After Car B (the late-comer) stops, it goes forward. The driver of Car B raises its hand and looks at the driver of Car A (the Kumquatmobile)-- either in a gesture of impudence or salutation (the kumquat hasn't quite figured that one out yet, so please use your own judgment when you are faced with this decision.) Then, Car B stops in the middle of the intersection because the first set of pedestrians has not finished crossing. Car B then has a small standoff with the second group of pedestrians, who eventually (and very wisely, in the kumquat's opinion) wave Car B on, then proceed across the street. The driver of Car A (that would be the kumquat) sits rather stunned and annoyed while this whole process takes place, then when everyone is thoroughly gone, proceeds on her way, shaking her head.

The kumquat will now take this opportunity to mention her intersection issues. It seems as if people do not take the Kumquatmobile seriously-- at least not in the vicinity of stop signs. The kumquat has considered and rejected the idea that her vehicle is not visible. The Kumquatmoblie is bright green. Unless she were driving in a field of grass in springtime, the kumquat feels safe to assume that her conveyance is visible. Therefore, the only conclusion left is that people don't take her cute little mode of transportation seriously, since they are always "cutting in line" at four-way stops. The kumquat's mother drives a much larger, more stately car, and doesn't seem to have these issues with the same regularity that the kumquat does. In fact, it was the kumquat's mother who first pointed out these issues. The kumquat will now make the obligatory reference to the the similarity of people's attitudes towards her car and towards the late Rodney Dangerfield and then move on to other matters.

The quintessential combination of cheekiness, idiocy and callousness towards stop sign order occurred a few months ago at the intersection of the Alameda and Atherton Avenue. The kumquat approached, stopped, and started to proceed. As she was starting to proceed, a woman in a minivan approached the stop sign to her right, executed a jackrabbit stop and entered the intersection. As the Kumquatmobile was stopped when MinivanWoman approached the intersection, the kumquat (again, foolishly) thought that it was obvious that the Kumquatmobile was to proceed first. Wrong. MinivanWoman entered the intersection in a very determined manner, so the kumquat stopped preferring to relinquish her turn rather than get minivan cooties on her car. As she passed the Kumquatmobile, MinivanWoman got even more "creative." She turned towards the kumquat and flipped her off. The kumquat isn't sure what engendered the ire of MinivanWoman-- maybe she was mad at the kumquat for relinquishing her turn so easily. Maybe by flipping off the kumquat, MinivanWoman was attempting to goad the kumquat into sticking up for herself-- a sort of psychotic take on "tough love." If this was the intent of MinivanWoman, the kumquat is quite touched. The idea that a perfect stranger is that concerned about the moral fortitude of the kumquat is positively cockle-warming. In the unlikely event that the MinivanWoman is reading this, the kumquat would have her know that she does not enjoy being pushed around and will fight back, however if it's a choice between asserting herself and not acquiring minivan shaped dents in her car, the kumquat will chose pacifism and an intact car. Every time.

Princess Kumquat

2004-09-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

Those of you who have know the kumquat for several years might remember that she used to be known as "Princess Kumquat." In more recent years, she has decided to give up her crown. To be perfectly honest, she's not really sure what her royal origins were. She thinks that maybe she just adopted the title for it's cache. Sort of like all the people in the 1920s and 30s and so on who claimed to be descended from Russian royalty. Because, really, they would have had scads of servants and palaces and country homes, if it weren't for that nasty little revolution. And they could prove who their ancestors were if their birth certificates hadn't been lost in that terrible accident when Czarina O'Leary's cow kicked a lantern and started the great Chicagograd fire. Oh, wait...

In renouncing her claims to the throne, the kumquat seems to be going against much of society. The kumquat has noticed a rather nauseating proliferation of royalty lately. The claim to noble birth seems to lay solely in the possession of overpriced accessories that loudly proclaim one's lineage. In suburb of KumquatVille, there is a vestment in a store window which laments "It's Not Easy Being Queen." The kumquat doubts whether any monarch worth her cotton/lycra blend would denounce the responsibilities of governance so lightly, especially phrased in a way to make a less-than-witty reference to King Kermit.

In case, dear, sporadic readers, you had not guessed, the kumquat has some problems with this phenomenon if accessory monarchies.

For instance, the kumquat wishes to know where these countries are that choose their rulers so frivolously and what convinces them that the purchase of an article of clothing makes one fit to rule. She concedes that if these countries manufacture the garments in question that the purchase of them could have an impact on the local economy. The kumquat supposes that the granting of royal status could be a reward for boosting the struggling Trendy Industry of these tiny nations. This option would necessitate that each country produce only one shirt, since if a prospective royal has shelled out $49.95 plus tax, she certainly doesn't want to share her reign with an upstart who probably bought her shirt second-hand on eBay. With one shirt per country, that's an awful lot of countries. What happens if the monarch throws her shirt away? Or a friend borrows it? Will chaos and massive civil unrest ensue? The kumquat is afraid to contemplate the horrible consequences.

Another possibility would be that each shirt enables the purchaser to secede from her home country and form a sovereign nation. If this is the case, the title of monarch doesn't really amount to much, unless she is able to confer citizenship upon others. The kumquat supposes that there may be tax benefits to being a sovereign nation, but she thinks that the paperwork and lawyer fees that would be necessary to establish sovereignty would make that option rather unattractive.

The kumquat is rather at a loss to figure out what kind of people live in a nation that would choose it's ruler based on the purchase of a shirt or purse? Those poor fifth and eleventh graders! They'd have to learn one more form of government: the Accessorizational Monarchy. Although, considering most of the people who hold public office, the kumquat realizes that this method could probably be no worse than some that are already in effect.

Considering all this makes the kumquat want to create a line of rebuttal accessories. Things that are emblazoned with phrases like: "Mayor of a Little Hick Town" or "Sheriff Terrorized by the Ornery Townspeople" or "Ineffectual Puppet of a Corrupt Regime."

Of course there is one that the kumquat really wants:
"It's Just Dandy Being an Enlightened Despot"

What is a Kumquat?

2004-04-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

or Everything you always wanted to know about kumquats, but were afraid to ask

The kumquat has found a site which claims to answer this question.

The kumquat isn't sure if this site encompasses all that is kumquat, but there are a few choice phrases which amuse her, be they accurate or not. (The kumquat will allow her readers to guess at the veracity of each statement.)

First of all, the kumquat did not realize that she has an alias. Apparently, she is also known by the name "kinkan." She supposes that an alias might come in handy sometimes... Not that the kumquat is plotting anything illegal. She's sweet and innocent. Really.

The kumquat also had an alternate spelling, or at least, she used to. She was watching W.C. Fields' "It's a Gift" the other day and a man asked for 10 pounds of kumquats, but spelled it "c-u-m-q-u-a-t-s." As if this citrus' nomenclature wasn't suggestive enough already...

The aforementioned site offers advice on identifying kumquats:
"These fruits are extremely juicy and tasty and usually have a sweet outer skin accompanied by a tart, inner flesh."

It also suggests qualities to look for in kumquats:
"When purchasing kumquat fruits, make sure that the fruit is firm to your touch and that it does not have any bruises on it."
(Note: If the kumquat's friends start poking her to ascertain firmness, they will find that they are the ones with bruises.)

This comment offers all sorts of helpful advice, including what kind of climate is preferred by kumquats:
"If you are looking to grow a plant that can serve as both a decorative object and a food source, and you live in a warm climate, you may want to consider the kumquat."

Ahem, no comment:
"While the most common use for the kumquat fruit is to eat it whole..."

Erudite Edamame

2004-03-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

The kumquat likes words. Interesting words, made up words, playing with words-- these are all very much appreciated by the kumquat.

The kumquat also appreciates authors who play with words. Ogden Nash, of course, being one of her favorites. (If her reading public is interested, she also recommends Dorothy Sayers, Dorothy Parker, and some e.e. cummings. But sometimes cummings just confuses the kumquat most dreadfully...)

Last night the kumquat and the lime went to see the Reduced Shakespeare Company. (which was VERY funny-- but the kumquat digresses-- again.) Before the show, these two citrus went to dinner and had edamame for an appetizer. One of the edamame decided to leap into the lime's lap. This inspired the kumquat to dub it an amorous edamame.

The lime maintains that it got caught in his sleeve, but the kumquat is not one to be bogged down by details.

Next, an edamame leapt out of its pod and onto the floor whilst the kumquat was trying to direct it to her mouth. This one was labeled an "adventurous edamame."

The lime and the kumquat, thus inspired, started playing with these adjectives and nouns. And variations of the above. They're kind of an odd mix of "Says You" and SAT analogies. These are some that the kumquat actually remembers. If you feel like emailing her yours, maybe she'll post them later. You'd be in the kumquat's blog!!! You'd be a STAR!!!

Or something.

Erudite Edamame = Smart Soybean
Eccentric Edamame = Silly Soybean
Lazy Legume = Slow Soybean
Ecclesiastical Edamame = Sacred Soybean = Pious, Penitent Peapod

Okay, she doesn't remember many. But here's a new one, inspired by the rain that is annoyingly starting to descend from the sky...

Expectorating Edamame = Spitting Soybean

We Are Amused

2004-02-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

The kumquat is easily amused. She considers this quite a fortunate trait. She feels that this makes her life so much more entertaining than the lives of those jaded people that she's always hearing about. ("...about which she is always hearing." The kumquat is not feeling that grammatical today.)

The kumquat tends to collect things that amuse her: comics, anecdotes, newspaper stories, friends. Today, she is feeling benevolent and will be sharing some of these things with you, her dear readers. (She assumes that there are more than one of you. Imaginary friends and voices in people's heads should count, right?)

Things that Amuse the Kumquat

* The Palo Alto Daily New Police Blotter (especially the "Atherton" section): Examples of the awful crime problem in Atherton include: a report of mail theft at their neighbor's house (the culprit was found to be the son of the "victim"-- he was taking mail into the house), a report of a suspicious vehicle (the vehicle turned out to be legally parked, the resident who reported it then requested that the police tow it because it was "junky."), another report of a suspicious vehicle (the "suspicious" occupant of the vehicle was a man who was taking a nap in his car "to get some time away from his kids.")

* A newspaper headline reading "Bush Plans Mars Trip." This of course begs the question: "When's he going?!?!?"

* In honor (?) of Valentine's Day, two of the kumquat's favorite love quotes:
"Mother, Godfrey loves me, he put me in the shower!"
"If he gets some clothes on, he'll go away, and he's the only man I've ever loved!"
(The kumquat will bestow many accolades, and maybe even chocolate, on anyone who can name the sources.)

* The fact that when the kumquat drove home last night, two of the cars in the Ford dealership showroom had their alarms going off. She laughed for at least five blocks about that one.

* Okay this one is a little annoying, but funny too. The kumquat is wearing her San Francisco charm bracelet today, and the charms keep getting caught in her fishnets when she fiddles with her shoe. There's something kind of funny about the Golden Gate Bridge or a cable car getting stuck in your fishnets. Actually, it's more interesting when Coit Tower gets in your fishnets-- the kumquat's mind enjoys the gutter very much...

* The large (~14" tall) rubber duck with a sailor hat that lives in the museum gift shop. He's really cute. Cuter than the one with the rain hat.

* The kumquat's dashboard hula man.

* The fact that he is now wearing a sheriff's badge.

* Her shoes. The pair that was partially bought with the tangerine's b'day gift certificate to the kumquat. The tangerine's contribution was the left one. The kumquat isn't really sure whether she's amused by them, but she really likes them.

* The fact that the kumquat detests smoking, but she thinks that some old smoking paraphernalia is exceedingly spiffy.

* Anthropomorphism. The kumquat just received an email failure notice and was informed in said notice that a certain email address "does not like recipient."

Frozen Kumquat

2004-02-08T13:10:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, the kumquat went to the snow. The kumquat doesn't usually go to the snow. It was a very interesting experience for her.

You see, citrus as a rule tend to like warmer climates. It makes them much
happier and sweeter. The kumquat is no exception to this rule.

It is also to be supposed that warmer climates make citrus juicier, but the kumquat feels that this information is a little personal and does not intend to divulge whether or not this supposition applies to her.

The kumquat believes in maintaining at least a slight air of mystery.

Even though the kumquat prefers milder climates, she decided to go to the snow with some other dancing flora. She drove up to Tahoe with the lime. Actually, she just sat. The lime drove.

The lime was going to ski a half day once they got to Tahoe, but the weather was bad, so he decided to just hang out with the kumquat. Apparently limes don't feel the same way about snow as kumquats do.

The kumquat, while not usually inclined to actively seek out the snow, found that she is rather entertained by it when plopped down in a snowy lair. It's rather fun to touch, play with and throw. Especially when directed at a good target... The kumquat was also very entertained by the fact that the snow looked like snow. Once, when some really big flakes fell, she could see the crystalline structure that she normally only sees in books. She was very excited, and kept repeating that it really looked like SNOW.

The kumquat is quite aware that she is weird.

The next day, the kumquat learned that snow, while entertaining is also treacherous.

The first subtle signs of this treachery appeared when the dancing flora had reached their snow playing grounds. Tahoe is known as a destination for skiers, but for some reason the parks are all closed during winter. Which wouldn't really matter, except the parks contain little houses with plumbing. The kumquat is a very domesticated citrus, she likes plumbing surrounded by comforting walls. She did not appreciate being locked out of the plumbing-filled buildings. She also deeply regretted not having devoted more of her education to the study of lock picking. She was not the only citrus to be so resentful. The Meyer lemon was also unhappy.

This situation was eventually dealt with, albeit in a less-than-ideal way. The kumquat, being a modest citrus, will not go into details. If her readers desire lurid details, the kumquat suggests that they read the tabloids.

The snow's treachery continued, even after this first indignity. Snow apparently is the kind of thing that likes to kick one when one is down. The snow feigns innocence. It looks so white and pure and sparkly. It pretends that it is just minding its own business. But the kumquat knows better.

Treacherous as it is, the snow cannot accomplish its malevolent mayhem unaided. This the kumquat has discovered: the snow does not work alone. It is aided by bushes, trees, rocks and picnic tables that are hidden by its sparkly innocence. The snow lulls one into a false sense of security and then suddenly gives way and one's shins are unceremoniously delivered into the clutches of the above objects. The kumquat has evidence of these attacks.

Wanna see her bruises?

Advertising Offensive to Kumquats

2004-02-08T13:03:00.000-08:00

Last night on the way home, the kumquat heard something that offended her sensibilities. A radio advertisement.

Normally, she finds these things annoying. Their level of annoyance can vary from "mild" to "stupid @$$^%#* thing." She has never actually found them offensive.

Of course, before last night, she had never heard a commercial that was a slight to all kumquats.

It was an auto insurance commercial. Geico, to be specific. The kumquat is not sure whether she is spelling the company name correctly or not, but she does not feel that this company is worth even the minimal effort it would take to find the correct spelling.

The kumquat has never liked these commercials. She thinks they are stupid and lacking much in the way of wit. The kumquat esteems wit.

This commercial followed the same general format as others of this ill-conceived genre. People saying that they have good news, and the good news being that they save money on car insurance. This particular example of idiocy in advertising concerned a fictional beauty pageant. A voice tells someone that it has good news. The someone turns out to be a female with a very backwoods-y voice who seems to think that she won this pageant. The original voice answers that no, she didn't win, but he just saved a bundle of money on car insurance...

Stupid, yes. But the kumquat's readers may not know why she was offended. She was offended because the fictional beauty title that this idiot is coveting is the title of "MISS KUMQUAT"!!!

The kumquat believes that her species is not well served by being represented in such a derogatory way.

Maybe she'll take action.

How does "Citrus Defense League" sound?

The Philosophical Kumquat

2004-01-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

Lately, the kumquat has been thinking. It's actually not that unusual, she tends to be of a slightly contemplative nature. It seems as if she's been thinking a bit more lately. Or, more accurately, she has allowed herself more time to think. The tangerine believes that thinking hurts and that the kumquat should refrain from indulging in such a risky activity. The kumquat doesn't know if she has an opinion on this, as that would require thinking...

But then again, many people form opinions without thinking, so the kumquat supposes that this would not be considered a valid argument.

The opinions of the tangerine aside, the kumquat tends to get really angry about people not thinking. The kumquat can get so worked up about people not thinking that she tends to try to not think about it, to minimize her angst.

The kumquat finds this quite ironic.

The kumquat rather frequently rails against the herd mentality of people. Accepting something as wonderful or true or awful, just because other people do is idiotic, in the kumquat's opinion. The kumquat believes that she would have fewer issues with people who held (in her estimation) stupid opinions if she felt they really truly believed in them. Take, for example, ugly pink Atherton palaces. The kumquat wouldn't mind their existence so much if people inhabited them because they actually thought that were the height of architectural splendor and not (as the kumquat suspects is actually the case) because some neighbor or decorator said they were the height of fashion.

Blech.

There are naturally other examples of this phenomenon, but the kumquat thinks that it would be a good idea to stop ranting now in the hope of saving one or two of the three or four readers she has.

**The kumquat apologizes if any of her readers have been offended by the above statements. The opinions expressed herein are held by the kumquat and do not necessarily reflect the views of this station.**

The Kumquat's Purse

2004-01-16T14:16:00.000-08:00

The kumquat's purse always seems to be a point of interest for those around her. Actually, not so much her purse, as the contents of said container.

First of all, it should be stated that kumquats do carry purses. At least this one does. She finds that there are certain essentials that a kumquat just can't do without. However, the kumquat does seem to have a knack for accumulating unusual items. Once, she was with a group of people who were trying to undo a sticky lid on a container of nail glue (that's another story entirely) and someone remarked that what they really needed was a pair of pliers. The kumquat rummages in her purse and retrieves... A PAIR OF PLIERS!!! And not just any pliers. Pliers painted baby blue. (Mmmm. The kumquat approves of alliteration.) The kumquat thinks that the most unusual item that she has carried in her purse is an old-fashioned post office box. There is a rather simple explanation for this one, but the kumquat prefers a bit of mystery.

Not only does the kumquat think her purse contents are interesting, other people do too! One day at the museum, a docent became quite enraptured by the many and varied things in the kumquat's purse. The kumquat grants that it was a slow day at the museum, but she still maintains that the contents of her purse tend to be rather intriguing. So, as a contribution to public amusement, she will now list THE CONTENTS OF HER PURSE. Enjoy!!
(Sub-categories of purse are in italics.)

Small Inner Pocket

Rose-tinted powder leaves from Crabtree and Evelyn (To remove unsightly shine from the kumquat's face)

Gift card for Anthropologie (Birthday present from Judy at the museum. Unspent, but not for lack of trying)

Damask Rose Soap leaves from Crabtree and Evelyn (These things are really spiffy-- the kumquat reccommends them. Very nice to have when silly bathrooms don't have soap.)

Gift card from Macy's (Birthday present from P'sym the tangerine. Used it to purchase one shoe.)

Ticket stub from the Gaslighter Theatre (Birthday outing.)

Driving directions to someone's house (The kumquat isn't sure whose house, though...)

Lipstick brush

Valet key for the Kumquat-Mobile

Assorted lip glosses/lipsticks (6 colors, 1 clear)

Listerine Oral Care strips (They came in a box of Sudafed. They're kinda odd.)

Zipper to Small Inside Pocket

Assorted safety pins

Lock and key to the kumquat's suitcase (She's not really sure why these things are in her purse and not on her suitcase...)

Turquoise colored Swiss Army knife that's actually from Switzerland (Gift from P'sym the Tangerine. This spiffy knife is also engraved with the kumquat's nickname.)

Wallet

Checkbook, cash, coins, assorted receipts

Two college ID cards (The kumquat lost her first one, then found it about two and a half years later.)

Membership card for the Boy Scouts of America (Yes, the kumquat was a Boy Scout. And, no, she has not had a sex change.)

Assorted membership/discount cards (Some for stores that no longer exsist.)

Driver's license, library cards (the kumquat is literate!), credit cards

Pen

Peet's Debit Card (VERY important to the kumquat. According to the tangerine, the kumquat is a coffee slut.)

Discount pass to the Stanford Theatre (Also a kumquat essential.)

Paycheck! (The kumquat needs to go to the bank this afternoon.)

Main Inside Section

Wallet (Contents listed above-- the kumquat sees no need to repeat herself.)

Cell phone (Always on vibrate... Draw your own conclusions.)

Keys (Car, house, tap-- as in tap shoes. The kumquat taps AND swings...)

Statement of Earnings and Deductions (Today was payday!!! It must be stated, though that the kumquat is rather resentful of the difference between what she earned and what she actually gets to keep. Hmmph.)

Drugs (Tylenol, Advil, Afrin. Nothing more interesting. The kumquat's a good girl.)

Rewetting drops (The kumquat wears contacts. Her world is rather blurry without them.)

Pen

Shopping list for Walmart/Target

Brochure advertising Porta-Potties (They offer them for "Any Special Occasion or Fancy Dress Wedding." This brocure has many and varied claims: "We can round up and accommodate any and all portable restroom needs," "We are proud to offer the finest portable facilites in the industry," "Our attractive, new 1999 unit is a hoot!" Apparently, they also deliver.)

Secondary Inside Section

Kleenex (An ample supply. The kumquat has been sick.)

Halls Defense Vitamin C Drops, Assorted Citrus Flavors (Who knew that the kumquat had cannabalistic tendencies?!?!?)

Contact solution/storage case (In the event of contact failure.)

Spiffy eyeglasses (See above.)

Vitamin C Crystals

Waterproof First Aid Tape

Peppermint Altoids

Spearmint Altoids (Curiouser and curiouser)

Fold-able brush and hair elastic

Flashlight (One of the more useful items in the kumquat's purse. Always good if you're fumbling around in the dark. Of course if you're "fumbling" in the dark (with the right kind of citrus), who wants a light?)

Tape measure (Always useful. Especially if you think something might not be as big as its owner claims it to be.)

The kumquat hopes that all of you have enjoyed this virtual peek into the her purse. Maybe someday she'll share the story of how she came to be carrying a post office box in her purse...

But probably not.

A Quickie

2004-01-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

Today, the little kumquat discovered that the people at the United States Postal Service are dumber than toast. That is to say, they are completely illiterate and lacking in simple matching skills. She does understand that a great quantity of mail passes through these people's hands. But what she does not understand is how on earth the numbers "300" and "128" could possible resemble "1731." She knows that they're all preceeded by "P.O. Box," but there must be more to it than that...

Ah ha!!! The kumquat has got it-- the USPS is trying to communicate with her in code! The wrong numbers represent parts of a secret message meant only for her! Now, all she needs to do is crack the code! And the little kumquat can SAVE THE WORLD!!!

Or maybe Post Office employees are really just dumber than toast.