Adventures of a Dancing Kumquat

Following the saga of the little citrus with terpsichorean tendencies

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Oh Meeeester Jicama!

Why is it that blogger's spell check doesn't recognize "blog" as a viable word?

Umm...

The kumquat has (sadly) been neglecting her blog of late. She has also been neglecting statcounter, because, apparently, if she isn't paying attention to her blog, then other people aren't either. (see: the kumquat's perception of her own height*)

So, uh, she just checked statcounter and peered at the "recent keyword activity" section. (By far the most entertaining part.) Someone found her blog via a search for "boobs trying on bras." Now, the kumquat apologizes to this searcher, because she supposes that this faceless person in internetland was looking for naughty pitchers, and she is not in the habit of supplying such things. Unless, of course, one is turned on by her small lemon. Hubba hubba.

(Although she is really rather amused at the fact that this faceless one ended up here. Almost as amused as she was to see her blog linked on a "swinging" site-- and definitely not the kind of swinging she indulges in...)

However, the thing that really gets her is this: Why did the searcher feel the need to specify the body part that was trying on the bras? How many other body parts regularly count bras as part of their apparel?

Actually, maybe the kumquat doesn't really want an answer to that one.

*A while back, the kumquat realized that in her own mind, her height is constant. So, even though she wears shoes ranging from flat to shoes that add six inches to her height, her initial response to her friends is 'Wow, you've gotten shorter/taller!" Has the kumquat mentioned that she's a tad bit odd?

Do-It-Yourself Kumquat

The kumquat has been into domestic-y things lately. Which is both good and disturbing-- a description that works so well for many aspects of kumquatness...

For a very long time she has been determined to caulk her windows. This would decrease heat loss in winter, prevent cold air loss in summer, facilitate the understanding of the nature of dark matter and win the Kentucky Derby. (Mmm. Mint juleps.)

Yes, caulk would be a good thing. (Readers may now insert their own jokes here.)

Therefore, the kumquat has determined that she shall start with four harmless little windows in her den-like area. These are fully accessible without a ladder. (Most of her windows are rather tall. Just like she likes her men... Mmm. Men.) This plan has not yet been carried out, but she feels that it is nice to have a victim, err, goal picked out.

She then decided to brush up on her caulking skills online. It's been a while since she handled caulk, she felt she could use a reminder. Maybe some illustrations. Just for educational purposes, of course. Or maybe for the articles...

The thing is, the sites she finds (of course the problem may be be that it's the kumquat looking at these sites...) do nothing to staunch the flow of bad jokes running through her gutter-inhabiting little mind.

Some examples for the kumquat's dear (and dirty-minded) readers:

"remember to pull, don't push, the caulk"

"moving smoothly as you complete one stroke of the trigger and begin the next stroke"

"a few inches or feet of caulk" ["Feet"?!? Ai yi yi...]

"relieve the pressure inside the tube by releasing the trigger and pulling back on the rod to stop the flow of caulk"

"and further force the thick caulk into enough intimate surface contact to establish good adhesion" ["Adhesion"? Ouchie.]

"Tooling can be done with a finger - covered with a latex glove, wetted with some water or solvent or just bare, depending on the caulk used"

"Keep rags handy to clean up any mishaps, and clean up any problem areas right away since it is much more difficult to clean up dried caulk later"

You see, the kumquat looks on this blog as a service to her communtiy, a source of edification.

Because, really, doesn't everyone need to know how to properly handle caulk?

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

"In a land called Honah Leeeeeeeeeeeeee"

The kumquat really, truly, sincerely pledges to post more frequently and obey the Scout Law, help other people at all times, keep herself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight...

Errr, well, at least some of those.


BUT:
Why, oh why, is the song "Puff the Magic Dragon" stuck in her head?!?!?!?

Grrrr.

(The lime claims that singing "Amazing Grace" to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song will obliterate any song stuck in one's head. In this case, the kumquat fears that the cure may be worse than the disease.)