Adventures of a Dancing Kumquat

Following the saga of the little citrus with terpsichorean tendencies

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Always Prepared

The kumquat asks her readers to pause a moment and ponder this serious question: Have you ever, in your daily ramblings, found yourself in a situation where you really need to scrape batter off the sides of a bowl, but had no rubber spatula in your possession?

If you've never considered such an event, the kumquat thinks that you've been neglecting an impending crisis. These spatula-requiring situations may not be common, but the kumquat fears the dire consequences that might arrive if everyone keeps adopting such a cavalier attitude towards spatula-carrying.

These consequences, however, will not befall the woman the kumquat saw when she was indulging in her regularly-scheduled afternoon coffee-sluttiness. This vaguely-granola, but other-than-that-rather-normal-looking woman had a rubber spatula sticking out of her pocket.

The kumquat urges her readers to follow in the footsteps of such an obvious visionary. The kumquat can envision a whole line of personal spatula products. Keychain-mounted spatulas in designer colors! Foldable spatulas to store in your wallet! Spatula necklaces, bracelets and belts for the really avant garde.

The possibilities really are endless.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Don't worry, it happens to all bananas sometimes. Really.

After writing the last post, the kumquat went to examine the other results from her Google search of "banana."

And she found this.

While she much prefers the design of the Banana BunkerTM, this device has an interesting feature. It has some small holes for ventilation.

These are touted as a means of "preventing premature ripening."

When you take out your banana, be sure to use protection...

First of all, the kumquat must state that this post is only tangentally (and not Jello Tangent-ally) related to The banana. She was searching for a site to represent The banana for her sidebar (there are links for all of her produce friends that are mentioned in this blog).

The banana definitely had the most interesting options for sites. While she opted for this site to represent him, the kumquat couldn't resist sharing another site she discovered.

This one.

The kumquat isn't sure whether this is more or less disturbing than the implement discovered by the tange(l)lo. On the one hand, the pizzacutterfork may be most disturbing because its exsistence suggest an astounding amount of laziness present in its inventor. But, as the loquat never ceases to remind the kumquat, laziness is a virtue.

The more she thinks about it, the more the kumquat thinks the Banana BunkerTM is the more disturbing of the two.

The kumquat implores her readers to consider it. A banana (not The banana, she emphasizes) is rather phallic shaped to begin with-- many things are, so that's not really that suggestive. (Pun not intended, but left in begin because it's rather apropos.) However, when a device designed to "protect" it is very suggestive of, uh, certain other "protective devices", the kumquat begins to wonder.

Specifically, she begins to wonder why a designer who has supposedly worked for Chanel, Louis Vuitton and Gucci decides to go in for designing banana condoms.


The kumquat finally ambled over the the "settings" section of blogger to turn the word verification "on" for comments. Hopefully this will cause the comment spammers to be thwarted. If any of her readers miss the lovely links for credit reports, pictures of Georgia highway construction and female incontinence accupressure, please let the kumquat know.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Cheek to Cheek

The kumquat is finally writing a dancing-themed entry for her dancing themed blog!

Don't worry, she has smelling salts ready for all of her swooning readers.

The kumquat has a dance friend (the kumquat shall christen him the leek) who is fun, cute and odd. (He offered her the use of his body in exchange for doing his laundry, but that's another incident entirely. Although, if any of her readers are fretting over the kumquat's virtue and whether she took this rap-scallion up on his offer, the kumquat will thank you politely for your concern and smile mysteriously.)

The other night at a local produce dance event, the kumquat and the leek were dancing. As she mentioned earlier, the leek is odd. He is quite a good dancer, although he is not, shall we say, "conventional." At one point in the song, he turned around, and led the kumquat to turn too, so that they were derriere-a-derriere (as opposed to tete-a-tete).

Normally, of course, one would connect to one's partner with whatever body parts were touching and the follow would react to the leader's cues. However, since the leek was being silly, so was the kumquat. She was moving as she felt like, preparing for a break in the music where she could bump the leek. She was not being all that receptive to the movements of the leek's rear.

The leek realized this and admonished her with these scathing words:

"You're not following my ass!"

One-Legged Hopping Kumquat

The kumquat's knee is gimpy. And hurty. And the kumquat is rather cranky about this since it's gimpyhurtyness was responsible for lack of dancing last night. She went and played games with the apricot and The banana and drank peppermint hot chocolate from the EvilEmpire and generally had a lovely time.

But she does not like it when malfunctioning body parts dictate her activites.


(She would, however, like to thank Sir Jello of Tangent for title inspiration. The kumquat likes the imagery. Yes, the kumquat is odd. And if her readers are just now figuring that out, she believes that it is their problem, not hers.)

Sunday, November 06, 2005


The kumquat realizes that, even though her blog title references dancing, she rarely, if ever, pontificates on dancing in her posts. And today will not be an exception.

The kumquat will vent her spleen about various idiots she's encountered in the past few days. (She wonders why spleen, like wet paint, always seems to require ventilation. Why does her pancreas not also require adequate air flow? The kumquat's life is plagued with such mysteries.)

Produce who were raised in a barn
It's cold. There's a door. It is closed when you approach it from the COLD outside. It is warmer on the inside of the door. The kumquat is a fruit that doesn't like antarctic climes. CLOSE THE @#($(#&%$#(#$ DOOR!!!
Um, so the kumquat does not appreciate people who enter her museum and don't close the door behind them.

Produce with no patience and no logic
There is traffic. Lots of it. The car next to the kumquat is going about 35mph. The kumquat is going 32mph, and is approaching a red light. Running up so that you are almost in the kumquat's trunk, swerving angrily around her and then running up until you are almost in the tunk of the car ahead of you is going to get you at most one car length ahead...
The kumquat is in awe of your, um, "intelligence."

Old men who think they know what they're doing and won't get the #(@#$& out of the way when they're screwing up machinery that doesn't belong to them because apparently there's no way in hell that a young female kumquat knows how to work anything mechanical even though she fixes these things on an almost daily basis
Uh, pardon the kumquat.
She believes this one is rather self explanatory.


The kumquat thinks she shall cease with the venting for a while. She's getting all worked up. And not in the good way.