Adventures of a Dancing Kumquat

Following the saga of the little citrus with terpsichorean tendencies

Friday, February 13, 2004

We Are Amused

The kumquat is easily amused. She considers this quite a fortunate trait. She feels that this makes her life so much more entertaining than the lives of those jaded people that she's always hearing about. ("...about which she is always hearing." The kumquat is not feeling that grammatical today.)

The kumquat tends to collect things that amuse her: comics, anecdotes, newspaper stories, friends. Today, she is feeling benevolent and will be sharing some of these things with you, her dear readers. (She assumes that there are more than one of you. Imaginary friends and voices in people's heads should count, right?)

Things that Amuse the Kumquat

* The Palo Alto Daily New Police Blotter (especially the "Atherton" section): Examples of the awful crime problem in Atherton include: a report of mail theft at their neighbor's house (the culprit was found to be the son of the "victim"-- he was taking mail into the house), a report of a suspicious vehicle (the vehicle turned out to be legally parked, the resident who reported it then requested that the police tow it because it was "junky."), another report of a suspicious vehicle (the "suspicious" occupant of the vehicle was a man who was taking a nap in his car "to get some time away from his kids.")

* A newspaper headline reading "Bush Plans Mars Trip." This of course begs the question: "When's he going?!?!?"

* In honor (?) of Valentine's Day, two of the kumquat's favorite love quotes:
"Mother, Godfrey loves me, he put me in the shower!"
"If he gets some clothes on, he'll go away, and he's the only man I've ever loved!"
(The kumquat will bestow many accolades, and maybe even chocolate, on anyone who can name the sources.)

* The fact that when the kumquat drove home last night, two of the cars in the Ford dealership showroom had their alarms going off. She laughed for at least five blocks about that one.

* Okay this one is a little annoying, but funny too. The kumquat is wearing her San Francisco charm bracelet today, and the charms keep getting caught in her fishnets when she fiddles with her shoe. There's something kind of funny about the Golden Gate Bridge or a cable car getting stuck in your fishnets. Actually, it's more interesting when Coit Tower gets in your fishnets-- the kumquat's mind enjoys the gutter very much...

* The large (~14" tall) rubber duck with a sailor hat that lives in the museum gift shop. He's really cute. Cuter than the one with the rain hat.

* The kumquat's dashboard hula man.

* The fact that he is now wearing a sheriff's badge.

* Her shoes. The pair that was partially bought with the tangerine's b'day gift certificate to the kumquat. The tangerine's contribution was the left one. The kumquat isn't really sure whether she's amused by them, but she really likes them.

* The fact that the kumquat detests smoking, but she thinks that some old smoking paraphernalia is exceedingly spiffy.

* Anthropomorphism. The kumquat just received an email failure notice and was informed in said notice that a certain email address "does not like recipient."

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Frozen Kumquat

Last weekend, the kumquat went to the snow. The kumquat doesn't usually go to the snow. It was a very interesting experience for her.

You see, citrus as a rule tend to like warmer climates. It makes them much
happier and sweeter. The kumquat is no exception to this rule.

It is also to be supposed that warmer climates make citrus juicier, but the kumquat feels that this information is a little personal and does not intend to divulge whether or not this supposition applies to her.

The kumquat believes in maintaining at least a slight air of mystery.

Even though the kumquat prefers milder climates, she decided to go to the snow with some other dancing flora. She drove up to Tahoe with the lime. Actually, she just sat. The lime drove.

The lime was going to ski a half day once they got to Tahoe, but the weather was bad, so he decided to just hang out with the kumquat. Apparently limes don't feel the same way about snow as kumquats do.

The kumquat, while not usually inclined to actively seek out the snow, found that she is rather entertained by it when plopped down in a snowy lair. It's rather fun to touch, play with and throw. Especially when directed at a good target... The kumquat was also very entertained by the fact that the snow looked like snow. Once, when some really big flakes fell, she could see the crystalline structure that she normally only sees in books. She was very excited, and kept repeating that it really looked like SNOW.

The kumquat is quite aware that she is weird.

The next day, the kumquat learned that snow, while entertaining is also treacherous.

The first subtle signs of this treachery appeared when the dancing flora had reached their snow playing grounds. Tahoe is known as a destination for skiers, but for some reason the parks are all closed during winter. Which wouldn't really matter, except the parks contain little houses with plumbing. The kumquat is a very domesticated citrus, she likes plumbing surrounded by comforting walls. She did not appreciate being locked out of the plumbing-filled buildings. She also deeply regretted not having devoted more of her education to the study of lock picking. She was not the only citrus to be so resentful. The Meyer lemon was also unhappy.

This situation was eventually dealt with, albeit in a less-than-ideal way. The kumquat, being a modest citrus, will not go into details. If her readers desire lurid details, the kumquat suggests that they read the tabloids.

The snow's treachery continued, even after this first indignity. Snow apparently is the kind of thing that likes to kick one when one is down. The snow feigns innocence. It looks so white and pure and sparkly. It pretends that it is just minding its own business. But the kumquat knows better.

Treacherous as it is, the snow cannot accomplish its malevolent mayhem unaided. This the kumquat has discovered: the snow does not work alone. It is aided by bushes, trees, rocks and picnic tables that are hidden by its sparkly innocence. The snow lulls one into a false sense of security and then suddenly gives way and one's shins are unceremoniously delivered into the clutches of the above objects. The kumquat has evidence of these attacks.

Wanna see her bruises?

Advertising Offensive to Kumquats

Last night on the way home, the kumquat heard something that offended her sensibilities. A radio advertisement.

Normally, she finds these things annoying. Their level of annoyance can vary from "mild" to "stupid @$$^%#* thing." She has never actually found them offensive.

Of course, before last night, she had never heard a commercial that was a slight to all kumquats.

It was an auto insurance commercial. Geico, to be specific. The kumquat is not sure whether she is spelling the company name correctly or not, but she does not feel that this company is worth even the minimal effort it would take to find the correct spelling.

The kumquat has never liked these commercials. She thinks they are stupid and lacking much in the way of wit. The kumquat esteems wit.

This commercial followed the same general format as others of this ill-conceived genre. People saying that they have good news, and the good news being that they save money on car insurance. This particular example of idiocy in advertising concerned a fictional beauty pageant. A voice tells someone that it has good news. The someone turns out to be a female with a very backwoods-y voice who seems to think that she won this pageant. The original voice answers that no, she didn't win, but he just saved a bundle of money on car insurance...

Stupid, yes. But the kumquat's readers may not know why she was offended. She was offended because the fictional beauty title that this idiot is coveting is the title of "MISS KUMQUAT"!!!

The kumquat believes that her species is not well served by being represented in such a derogatory way.

Maybe she'll take action.

How does "Citrus Defense League" sound?