Adventures of a Dancing Kumquat

Following the saga of the little citrus with terpsichorean tendencies

Sunday, January 25, 2004

The Philosophical Kumquat

Lately, the kumquat has been thinking. It's actually not that unusual, she tends to be of a slightly contemplative nature. It seems as if she's been thinking a bit more lately. Or, more accurately, she has allowed herself more time to think. The tangerine believes that thinking hurts and that the kumquat should refrain from indulging in such a risky activity. The kumquat doesn't know if she has an opinion on this, as that would require thinking...

But then again, many people form opinions without thinking, so the kumquat supposes that this would not be considered a valid argument.

The opinions of the tangerine aside, the kumquat tends to get really angry about people not thinking. The kumquat can get so worked up about people not thinking that she tends to try to not think about it, to minimize her angst.

The kumquat finds this quite ironic.

The kumquat rather frequently rails against the herd mentality of people. Accepting something as wonderful or true or awful, just because other people do is idiotic, in the kumquat's opinion. The kumquat believes that she would have fewer issues with people who held (in her estimation) stupid opinions if she felt they really truly believed in them. Take, for example, ugly pink Atherton palaces. The kumquat wouldn't mind their existence so much if people inhabited them because they actually thought that were the height of architectural splendor and not (as the kumquat suspects is actually the case) because some neighbor or decorator said they were the height of fashion.


There are naturally other examples of this phenomenon, but the kumquat thinks that it would be a good idea to stop ranting now in the hope of saving one or two of the three or four readers she has.

**The kumquat apologizes if any of her readers have been offended by the above statements. The opinions expressed herein are held by the kumquat and do not necessarily reflect the views of this station.**

Friday, January 16, 2004

The Kumquat's Purse

The kumquat's purse always seems to be a point of interest for those around her. Actually, not so much her purse, as the contents of said container.

First of all, it should be stated that kumquats do carry purses. At least this one does. She finds that there are certain essentials that a kumquat just can't do without. However, the kumquat does seem to have a knack for accumulating unusual items. Once, she was with a group of people who were trying to undo a sticky lid on a container of nail glue (that's another story entirely) and someone remarked that what they really needed was a pair of pliers. The kumquat rummages in her purse and retrieves... A PAIR OF PLIERS!!! And not just any pliers. Pliers painted baby blue. (Mmmm. The kumquat approves of alliteration.) The kumquat thinks that the most unusual item that she has carried in her purse is an old-fashioned post office box. There is a rather simple explanation for this one, but the kumquat prefers a bit of mystery.

Not only does the kumquat think her purse contents are interesting, other people do too! One day at the museum, a docent became quite enraptured by the many and varied things in the kumquat's purse. The kumquat grants that it was a slow day at the museum, but she still maintains that the contents of her purse tend to be rather intriguing. So, as a contribution to public amusement, she will now list THE CONTENTS OF HER PURSE. Enjoy!!
(Sub-categories of purse are in italics.)

Small Inner Pocket

Rose-tinted powder leaves from Crabtree and Evelyn (To remove unsightly shine from the kumquat's face)

Gift card for Anthropologie (Birthday present from Judy at the museum. Unspent, but not for lack of trying)

Damask Rose Soap leaves from Crabtree and Evelyn (These things are really spiffy-- the kumquat reccommends them. Very nice to have when silly bathrooms don't have soap.)

Gift card from Macy's (Birthday present from P'sym the tangerine. Used it to purchase one shoe.)

Ticket stub from the Gaslighter Theatre (Birthday outing.)

Driving directions to someone's house (The kumquat isn't sure whose house, though...)

Lipstick brush

Valet key for the Kumquat-Mobile

Assorted lip glosses/lipsticks (6 colors, 1 clear)

Listerine Oral Care strips (They came in a box of Sudafed. They're kinda odd.)

Zipper to Small Inside Pocket

Assorted safety pins

Lock and key to the kumquat's suitcase (She's not really sure why these things are in her purse and not on her suitcase...)

Turquoise colored Swiss Army knife that's actually from Switzerland (Gift from P'sym the Tangerine. This spiffy knife is also engraved with the kumquat's nickname.)


Checkbook, cash, coins, assorted receipts

Two college ID cards (The kumquat lost her first one, then found it about two and a half years later.)

Membership card for the Boy Scouts of America (Yes, the kumquat was a Boy Scout. And, no, she has not had a sex change.)

Assorted membership/discount cards (Some for stores that no longer exsist.)

Driver's license, library cards (the kumquat is literate!), credit cards


Peet's Debit Card (VERY important to the kumquat. According to the tangerine, the kumquat is a coffee slut.)

Discount pass to the Stanford Theatre (Also a kumquat essential.)

Paycheck! (The kumquat needs to go to the bank this afternoon.)

Main Inside Section

Wallet (Contents listed above-- the kumquat sees no need to repeat herself.)

Cell phone (Always on vibrate... Draw your own conclusions.)

Keys (Car, house, tap-- as in tap shoes. The kumquat taps AND swings...)

Statement of Earnings and Deductions (Today was payday!!! It must be stated, though that the kumquat is rather resentful of the difference between what she earned and what she actually gets to keep. Hmmph.)

Drugs (Tylenol, Advil, Afrin. Nothing more interesting. The kumquat's a good girl.)

Rewetting drops (The kumquat wears contacts. Her world is rather blurry without them.)


Shopping list for Walmart/Target

Brochure advertising Porta-Potties (They offer them for "Any Special Occasion or Fancy Dress Wedding." This brocure has many and varied claims: "We can round up and accommodate any and all portable restroom needs," "We are proud to offer the finest portable facilites in the industry," "Our attractive, new 1999 unit is a hoot!" Apparently, they also deliver.)

Secondary Inside Section

Kleenex (An ample supply. The kumquat has been sick.)

Halls Defense Vitamin C Drops, Assorted Citrus Flavors (Who knew that the kumquat had cannabalistic tendencies?!?!?)

Contact solution/storage case (In the event of contact failure.)

Spiffy eyeglasses (See above.)

Vitamin C Crystals

Waterproof First Aid Tape

Peppermint Altoids

Spearmint Altoids (Curiouser and curiouser)

Fold-able brush and hair elastic

Flashlight (One of the more useful items in the kumquat's purse. Always good if you're fumbling around in the dark. Of course if you're "fumbling" in the dark (with the right kind of citrus), who wants a light?)

Tape measure (Always useful. Especially if you think something might not be as big as its owner claims it to be.)

The kumquat hopes that all of you have enjoyed this virtual peek into the her purse. Maybe someday she'll share the story of how she came to be carrying a post office box in her purse...

But probably not.

Monday, January 12, 2004

A Quickie

Today, the little kumquat discovered that the people at the United States Postal Service are dumber than toast. That is to say, they are completely illiterate and lacking in simple matching skills. She does understand that a great quantity of mail passes through these people's hands. But what she does not understand is how on earth the numbers "300" and "128" could possible resemble "1731." She knows that they're all preceeded by "P.O. Box," but there must be more to it than that...

Ah ha!!! The kumquat has got it-- the USPS is trying to communicate with her in code! The wrong numbers represent parts of a secret message meant only for her! Now, all she needs to do is crack the code! And the little kumquat can SAVE THE WORLD!!!

Or maybe Post Office employees are really just dumber than toast.